I have been a horrible slacking loser at the gym lately. Been maintaining my weight at a stable 140 pounds for about three weeks now. Inch-wise, I'm officially in a size 4-6 in everything (jeans included). I have a big conference coming up this weekend in California, so I won't be able to prepare my own meals, but I can still stay relatively on plan.
I had every intention of lifting arms between class today, but time caught up with me and I just ended up eating chicken breast, broccoli, and brown rice in the cafeteria with Becka. I still have my three hour class tonight, followed by packing for the conference.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
Meal plan
Marina sent me my new meal plan today. It goes as follows:
For 2 days, you’ll follow the first plan, and for 1 day you’ll follow the second one. And it can be mixed and matched as you adjust it to your daily routine and workouts. Try to follow it as more of a guideline, oh and still continue to try not to eat past 7-8pm. Do 45 minutes of cardio with each workout day. I know you know how to push it :) just get those intervals going hard unless it’s a morning run, keep a steady pace.
Plan 1:
Meal 1: (as soon as you wake up but after any morning cardio) 5 egg whites, half cup oats (Cinnamon, splenda ok)
Meal 2: (approx. 2 ½ hours later) qt cup almonds, qt cup blueberries
Meal 3: (2hrs later) 4oz chicken breast, 4oz yam or brown rice, 4oz green veggies
Meal 4: (3hrs later) 4oz lean ground turkey or chicken breast with 1 piece fruit.
Meal 5: (2-3hrs later) Post workout 1 scoop whey protein isolate with water only.
Meal 6: (2-3hrs later) 4oz tuna, 4oz green veggies
Plan 2:
Meal 1: (as soon as you wake up but after any morning cardio)5 egg whites, half cup oats,(Cinnamon, splenda ok)
Meal 2: (approx. 2 ½ hours later) 4oz chicken, ½ grapefruit
Meal 3: (2hrs later) 4oz chicken breast, 4oz green veggies
Meal 4: (3hrs later) 4oz lean ground turkey or chicken breast with half cup green beans
Meal 5: (2-3hrs later) Post workout 1 scoop whey protein isolate with water only
Meal 6: (2-3hrs later) 4oz ahi tuna, 4oz green veggies
If your workout falls at a different time, just switch meal 5 with proper meal at proper time.
1 gallon of water daily. Tea, coffee ok, just limit the cream and cut the sugar.
Mrs. Dash seasoning, walden farm 0 calories, splenda and cinnamon all ok.
Keep 1 cheat meal in per week. NO ALCOHOL.
For 2 days, you’ll follow the first plan, and for 1 day you’ll follow the second one. And it can be mixed and matched as you adjust it to your daily routine and workouts. Try to follow it as more of a guideline, oh and still continue to try not to eat past 7-8pm. Do 45 minutes of cardio with each workout day. I know you know how to push it :) just get those intervals going hard unless it’s a morning run, keep a steady pace.
Plan 1:
Meal 1: (as soon as you wake up but after any morning cardio) 5 egg whites, half cup oats (Cinnamon, splenda ok)
Meal 2: (approx. 2 ½ hours later) qt cup almonds, qt cup blueberries
Meal 3: (2hrs later) 4oz chicken breast, 4oz yam or brown rice, 4oz green veggies
Meal 4: (3hrs later) 4oz lean ground turkey or chicken breast with 1 piece fruit.
Meal 5: (2-3hrs later) Post workout 1 scoop whey protein isolate with water only.
Meal 6: (2-3hrs later) 4oz tuna, 4oz green veggies
Plan 2:
Meal 1: (as soon as you wake up but after any morning cardio)5 egg whites, half cup oats,(Cinnamon, splenda ok)
Meal 2: (approx. 2 ½ hours later) 4oz chicken, ½ grapefruit
Meal 3: (2hrs later) 4oz chicken breast, 4oz green veggies
Meal 4: (3hrs later) 4oz lean ground turkey or chicken breast with half cup green beans
Meal 5: (2-3hrs later) Post workout 1 scoop whey protein isolate with water only
Meal 6: (2-3hrs later) 4oz ahi tuna, 4oz green veggies
If your workout falls at a different time, just switch meal 5 with proper meal at proper time.
1 gallon of water daily. Tea, coffee ok, just limit the cream and cut the sugar.
Mrs. Dash seasoning, walden farm 0 calories, splenda and cinnamon all ok.
Keep 1 cheat meal in per week. NO ALCOHOL.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Bikini
I had my first training session with Marina last night. We did mainly shoulders and abs. She pushed me hard. My favorite part was when she commented on how shockingly perky I was. I can't imagine anyone not being perky when working with a trainer. It's such an endorphin rush, just being in the gym in general, without having a professional working with you. My training session was over by 8pm, but we both stuck around just talking to each other for an extra hour. She invited me to come watch her first bikini competition in March. Becka and I are going together.
I had, like, 1600 calories yesterday. And my waist was smaller this morning. I've now officially under 28 inches. 27 and 3/4. Yay! So far today I've had cereal, a sandwich, a huge salad, tilapia, vegetable soup, lots of water. I'm taking today off from the gym since I worked out hard and lifted the last four days in a row.
Becka and I are going night hiking tonight. I have know idea what that entails, but I'm assuming it's just hiking at night, yeah?
I'd love to do a bikini competition some day. What say you?
I had, like, 1600 calories yesterday. And my waist was smaller this morning. I've now officially under 28 inches. 27 and 3/4. Yay! So far today I've had cereal, a sandwich, a huge salad, tilapia, vegetable soup, lots of water. I'm taking today off from the gym since I worked out hard and lifted the last four days in a row.
Becka and I are going night hiking tonight. I have know idea what that entails, but I'm assuming it's just hiking at night, yeah?
I'd love to do a bikini competition some day. What say you?
Thursday, January 12, 2012
PB & J
I finally made a decision.
I'd rather be fit than skinny.
I know what you're thinking: Well. That was easy. Wonder how long she'll last this time.
Last night in the gym, I finally decided to introduce myself to the super fit female trainer who works there. Her name is Marina, she's 23 years old, and she's participating in her first bikini competition next month. She has a supremely gorgeous body. We got to talking about weight, calories, lifting, strategies, cardio, and the like. She said it was ridiculous that I count the amount of calories I eat every day. All she pays attention to is how her clothes fit, and she might weigh herself once a week or so to make sure she's still in a relatively healthy range. Her first suggestion was that I just eat when I'm hungry...whatever that means.
I'm not sure I know how to tell whether or not I'm hungry anymore. All I know is that I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich today. Before noon. Like, normally I'm not allowed to eat anything but plain oatmeal or tea before noon. But I at a sandwich. And all of a sudden I didn't feel like fucking killing myself. That sandwich was an epiphany.
Could this all be reaction formation to not wanting to go to therapy? Hell yes. And that's probably what Liam thinks too, even though he won't say it. I've already had, like, 700 calories today and it's only 4:30. I don't know what to do with all these happy thought and energy molecules floating around in my body. Guess I should probably go to the gym, yeah?
I'd rather be fit than skinny.
I know what you're thinking: Well. That was easy. Wonder how long she'll last this time.
Last night in the gym, I finally decided to introduce myself to the super fit female trainer who works there. Her name is Marina, she's 23 years old, and she's participating in her first bikini competition next month. She has a supremely gorgeous body. We got to talking about weight, calories, lifting, strategies, cardio, and the like. She said it was ridiculous that I count the amount of calories I eat every day. All she pays attention to is how her clothes fit, and she might weigh herself once a week or so to make sure she's still in a relatively healthy range. Her first suggestion was that I just eat when I'm hungry...whatever that means.
I'm not sure I know how to tell whether or not I'm hungry anymore. All I know is that I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich today. Before noon. Like, normally I'm not allowed to eat anything but plain oatmeal or tea before noon. But I at a sandwich. And all of a sudden I didn't feel like fucking killing myself. That sandwich was an epiphany.
Could this all be reaction formation to not wanting to go to therapy? Hell yes. And that's probably what Liam thinks too, even though he won't say it. I've already had, like, 700 calories today and it's only 4:30. I don't know what to do with all these happy thought and energy molecules floating around in my body. Guess I should probably go to the gym, yeah?
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Failed Experiment
I don't know how many of you have gotten a headache from insurance companies before (judging by the general tone of my readers, most) but deductibles can be a pain in the ass when you're a single young grad student, unemployed, trying to make a life out a studio apartment. I'm still on my father's insurance, and there's a $500 deductible to be met at the beginning of every year. Which means that instead of my specialist appointment costing me $40, it would end up costing $200. So glad they called and told me this before I took the bus into the main city and wasted an entire morning. I cancelled the appointment.
Is that healthy? Probably not. But I don't happen to have $200 in my pocket. I have to pay for things like, I don't know, rent? Food? Books? Gas?
Am I disappointed? Not in the slightest. I don't want to go to another therapist. I'm sick of getting tossed around. I just want to lose weight. Not talk about my feelings. This is the fifth mental health provider that's either passed me on to someone else or been too expensive to afford.
I'm really dreading telling Liam. He doesn't feel like money is ever an excuse for avoiding treatment. And that's how he'll see it: I'm avoiding treatment because I think I'm too fat.
He's definitely right. I am avoiding treatment because I'm still too fat to deserve treatment. But, on the other hand, I genuinely can't afford it either. I pay around $500/month in rent (which I pay through years of saving as an undergrad) and I don't have a paycheck coming in. I've applied for two serving/waitress positions in my city. I've never been a server before and I'm not thrilled at the prospect of getting yelled at all the time. But, I can't rightly waste my money on therapy if I don't have money to waste.
Is that healthy? Probably not. But I don't happen to have $200 in my pocket. I have to pay for things like, I don't know, rent? Food? Books? Gas?
Am I disappointed? Not in the slightest. I don't want to go to another therapist. I'm sick of getting tossed around. I just want to lose weight. Not talk about my feelings. This is the fifth mental health provider that's either passed me on to someone else or been too expensive to afford.
I'm really dreading telling Liam. He doesn't feel like money is ever an excuse for avoiding treatment. And that's how he'll see it: I'm avoiding treatment because I think I'm too fat.
He's definitely right. I am avoiding treatment because I'm still too fat to deserve treatment. But, on the other hand, I genuinely can't afford it either. I pay around $500/month in rent (which I pay through years of saving as an undergrad) and I don't have a paycheck coming in. I've applied for two serving/waitress positions in my city. I've never been a server before and I'm not thrilled at the prospect of getting yelled at all the time. But, I can't rightly waste my money on therapy if I don't have money to waste.
Allergy head clouds
I've had almost a week's worth of steady, focused training session. If only you could out-train a shitty diet. I've been taking in too much sodium (damn ramen noodles) and I've been eating entirely too late (anything past 8pm is too late). Still, it's better than I was eating back at my Dad's place, if for no other reason than the fact that I don't buy ranch Doritos (because then I would eat all of them in one sitting).
Right now it's almost 2pm, and I'm sitting in my office drinking green tea and working on a spreadsheet for a research project/watching The Biggest Loser. It won't take long. We just have so many researchers running this one project (it's a 3-year process) that we need a lot of ways to hold them all accountable, mostly the undergrads. My general annoyance isn't helped by the fact that I've develop desert allergies and cannot breathe through my nose. Ironically, the only time I don't feel like cutting my own head off is while I'm in the gym. My head completely clears and I can actually speak well enough to be understood.
Last night I watched The Hunted. It’s one of my favorite movies. I’ve always been interested in survivalism, the wilderness, tracking, hand-to-hand combat. Check it out if you haven’t. It’s worth a look.
I already went for a run yesterday morning; half an hour of HIIT. Lifted legs between classes with Becka, which lead to some mild awkwardness. Not between me and her, but with the rest of my cohort. I hung out with a completely different group of grad students last semester, but when it started to become evident that none of them were interested in working out or eating healthy, I started hanging out with Becka more and more. Coming back from the gym, we ran into either other members of our class who just stared at us across the courtyard, all sweaty in running shorts and tank tops. The girls I used to spend time with know I'm in treatment, and the rest probably suspect if (if they haven't been outright informed). None of them know that Becka's ever been treated for an ED, but looking at it as an outsider, it would be hard to spend that much time with me unless you were just as much of a gym rat as I am.
Becka tries to isolate herself on purpose, and I think that just by hanging out with her, I'm starting to do it too.
Gonna work out again later tonight. Lifting upper body, and at least half an hour on the elliptical. I finally rented a locker on campus so I can stop toting my gym shoes back and forth. I have a pair for outside running and a pair for inside training. I don't like to mess up the machines by using gym shoes that are wet or have gravel in the bottoms. Treadmills are not cheap.
I have my first meeting with an ED specialist (like, a real doctor) tomorrow morning at 9am.
Right now it's almost 2pm, and I'm sitting in my office drinking green tea and working on a spreadsheet for a research project/watching The Biggest Loser. It won't take long. We just have so many researchers running this one project (it's a 3-year process) that we need a lot of ways to hold them all accountable, mostly the undergrads. My general annoyance isn't helped by the fact that I've develop desert allergies and cannot breathe through my nose. Ironically, the only time I don't feel like cutting my own head off is while I'm in the gym. My head completely clears and I can actually speak well enough to be understood.
Last night I watched The Hunted. It’s one of my favorite movies. I’ve always been interested in survivalism, the wilderness, tracking, hand-to-hand combat. Check it out if you haven’t. It’s worth a look.
I already went for a run yesterday morning; half an hour of HIIT. Lifted legs between classes with Becka, which lead to some mild awkwardness. Not between me and her, but with the rest of my cohort. I hung out with a completely different group of grad students last semester, but when it started to become evident that none of them were interested in working out or eating healthy, I started hanging out with Becka more and more. Coming back from the gym, we ran into either other members of our class who just stared at us across the courtyard, all sweaty in running shorts and tank tops. The girls I used to spend time with know I'm in treatment, and the rest probably suspect if (if they haven't been outright informed). None of them know that Becka's ever been treated for an ED, but looking at it as an outsider, it would be hard to spend that much time with me unless you were just as much of a gym rat as I am.
Becka tries to isolate herself on purpose, and I think that just by hanging out with her, I'm starting to do it too.
Gonna work out again later tonight. Lifting upper body, and at least half an hour on the elliptical. I finally rented a locker on campus so I can stop toting my gym shoes back and forth. I have a pair for outside running and a pair for inside training. I don't like to mess up the machines by using gym shoes that are wet or have gravel in the bottoms. Treadmills are not cheap.
I have my first meeting with an ED specialist (like, a real doctor) tomorrow morning at 9am.
Monday, January 9, 2012
River
Thank god for workout partners. Without Becka, I'd probably still be losing my Winter weight, not to mention the fact that I'd seriously be considering dropping out of my grad program and moving back to the Midwest. It's nice to have a friend I have so much in common with.
We did upper body/cardio together on Saturday. I can bench a whole three sets of five reps at 65 pounds - kinda pathetic, I know, but I used to only be able to do the bar, so give me some credit. Push-ups, lat pull-downs, rows and the like (even attempted an unassisted pull-up, unsuccessfully). Becka can do all kinds of pull-ups. We also did half an hour on the elliptical. It goes by faster when you have someone to talk to, and you burn more calories because you're more out of breath. Believe me, I used my HRM, so I have the numbers to prove it.
The next day I went out to the river with her and her dog and some other friends. We climbed trees, hiked, built a fire. It was a really good way to spend an afternoon. Since I've been back I've already lost four pounds, back down to around 138. Looking to get a job as a server. I'm trying to re-wrap my brain around school and steady work-outs.
We did upper body/cardio together on Saturday. I can bench a whole three sets of five reps at 65 pounds - kinda pathetic, I know, but I used to only be able to do the bar, so give me some credit. Push-ups, lat pull-downs, rows and the like (even attempted an unassisted pull-up, unsuccessfully). Becka can do all kinds of pull-ups. We also did half an hour on the elliptical. It goes by faster when you have someone to talk to, and you burn more calories because you're more out of breath. Believe me, I used my HRM, so I have the numbers to prove it.
The next day I went out to the river with her and her dog and some other friends. We climbed trees, hiked, built a fire. It was a really good way to spend an afternoon. Since I've been back I've already lost four pounds, back down to around 138. Looking to get a job as a server. I'm trying to re-wrap my brain around school and steady work-outs.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Stop.
Back at school now. I can't describe how much I hate it here, so I'm not going to try. It is sufficient to say, I'm healthier here. Because I have nothing else to hold on to.
I had a doctor's appointment this morning. She's keeping me on the 40mg of citalopram, and she complimented me on how little I used the lorazepam. Or, it sounded like a compliment. I gained a grand total of four pounds over the Winter break. That's disgusting. I was back in the gym this morning. Leg day, plus half an hour on the elliptical. My left knee is still giving me shit, so I'm not running, and that's depressing.
For breakfast, I had a caffeine pill and green tea. Lunch was two tablespoons of salsa and nine tortilla chips. Dinner is two cups of iceberg lettuce, one tablespoon of ranch dressing, one ounce of shredded cheese, three reduced fat crackers, and two tablespoons of red kidney beans. I also had a whey protein shake after my workout. Grand total calories: 595.
I don't want to be here.
I had a doctor's appointment this morning. She's keeping me on the 40mg of citalopram, and she complimented me on how little I used the lorazepam. Or, it sounded like a compliment. I gained a grand total of four pounds over the Winter break. That's disgusting. I was back in the gym this morning. Leg day, plus half an hour on the elliptical. My left knee is still giving me shit, so I'm not running, and that's depressing.
For breakfast, I had a caffeine pill and green tea. Lunch was two tablespoons of salsa and nine tortilla chips. Dinner is two cups of iceberg lettuce, one tablespoon of ranch dressing, one ounce of shredded cheese, three reduced fat crackers, and two tablespoons of red kidney beans. I also had a whey protein shake after my workout. Grand total calories: 595.
I don't want to be here.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Vapors
It's not so much that I want to be dead. It's just that I don't want to exist anymore. There is too much of me, and I think that anything at all will always be too much.
Maybe I just need to up my dosage. Maybe I need to go back to the desert. I don't know how to make myself better. I'm too lethargic to go to the gym, which is probably the only thing I can do to alleviate the pressure anyway. I've eaten too much, and I've made myself too much. I haven't been quiet or calm. So today I'm fasting, and hoping that this helps me feel better tomorrow.
I don't know how to feel good. I'm sick and I'm weak and I'm tired.
Maybe I just need to up my dosage. Maybe I need to go back to the desert. I don't know how to make myself better. I'm too lethargic to go to the gym, which is probably the only thing I can do to alleviate the pressure anyway. I've eaten too much, and I've made myself too much. I haven't been quiet or calm. So today I'm fasting, and hoping that this helps me feel better tomorrow.
I don't know how to feel good. I'm sick and I'm weak and I'm tired.
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