A midnight conversation with Alice

(Alice is one of my best friends from home, also 23-years old. She's about 5'4" and weighs around 118 pounds, currently. We both got sick around the same time. This is a conversation we had last night on Facebook. I feel like it explains a lot about our thought processes and habits. And I want to know if any of you can relate to these thoughts.)

Rachel:

I got in trouble for not grading the discussion board posts fast enough. I'm depressed because I got "yelled" at by my professor via email. It wasn't even that bad. Only the first time I screwed up.

Alice:
What's "not fast enough"?

Rachel:

She wanted us to start on Wednesday; I didn't start until late Thursday night, like at 3am, and she'd already gone through and done most of them. But apparently her other CA was late too, so I don't feel so bad. And my first thought after getting scolded was: "Oh my god, I feel so fat right now."

Alice:

Well, you both DO have lives and classes and shit.

Rachel:

And the stuff with Becka just took up my whole week, not that I'm complaining at all.

Alice:

Yeah, I wouldn't blame you. Dealing with someone's personal life with events that traumatic are more important than two days late grades. No offense.

Rachel:
My thoughts exactly. So I'm trying to completely get fixated on the latest episode of The Ultimate Fighter, trying to remind myself over and over that 1. It wasn't that bad, 2. The other CA got in trouble too, 3. It was my first offense, and 4. My lateness was totally justifiable because trauma trumps grading, even if my professor doesn't know what happened to Becka.

But I'm still so fucking upset with myself that I want to cry. Do you recognize that feeling?

Alice:

Yes.

Rachel:

I hate disappointing people. I can't fucking handle it. I hate when things are my fault. I feel fat. Failing = feeling fat. Doesn't matter what I failed at. Got a bad grade? Feel fat. Boyfriend doesn't wanna fool around? Must be because I'm fat. Miss a deadline? Fatty.

Alice:

Well, even though it's perfectly logical to me, most people probably see that as some disconnected cause-effect relationship. I would recommend not letting this bother you. Yeah, your teacher's upset with you both; clearly she's got high standards that neither you nor the other CA could satisfy as of late. Some of the blame lies with her requirements or requests.

Rachel:

Liam nailed it. One second...

Alright, ready? Being fat is easier to deal with. It's safe, because when something goes wrong that is totally out of your control, or too late to fix, you're so neurotic that you can't handle the fact that you can't do anything about it. So, you go through the mental gymnastics necessary to translate it to: I feel fat. Which you can always do something about (you can lose weight) which is comforting. So that's how irrational/uncontrollable perceived "failures" get translated into feeling fat.

Alice:

Completely makes sense.

Rachel:

Makes sense to me too. He's having me try something called "thought-stopping," which sounds basic and hokey, but whatever, we'll see if it works. Basically, failing and thinking that you're fat, however irrational it sounds, is actually rewarding to your brain. It's like saying, "See! You can fix this!" So, you have to consciously clear your mind before you have fat thoughts. Just for, like, 30 seconds. And then you can go ahead and think whatever. But theoretically, it stops your brain from forming a link between the mental reward and the fat thoughts so eventually your brain ceases to associate the two. In theory, eventually the fat thoughts will diminish because the brain no longer associates them with feeling responsible or in control. I don't honestly think thought-stopping is very effective in the cause of eating disorders/body dysmorphic disorder, though. More so with phobias and other panic disorders. But it's worth a shot.

Alice:

Hmm...I don't know if I like that. Doesn't seem very effective. It demands a lot of self-control; like, perfection.

Rachel:

An awful lot.

Alice:

Which no one has.

Rachel:

No, it just asks for 30 seconds of quiet for little periods in a day. It's kind of like asking yourself not to think about pink elephants, only instead, you just literally think about nothing...which is a mental hoop in and of itself. I like to think about puffy white clouds getting tickled.

Alice:

lol That'd be a good place to be.

Rachel:

I'm really sick of being miserable. But the misery all revolves around everything else. Maybe I just need to change my dosage, I don't know. I feel like I did last semester again. Even though my diet and my relationships are more stable right now, my head is in total chaos. When I'm doing everything right, that's when I feel the most worthless. I don't get it.

Alice:

Can you pinpoint the problems and start small with fixing one? Or are they interrelated and uncontrollable?

Rachel:

I feel like I never get enough accomplished in a day.

Alice:

Do you have a planner/organizer of some sort? Calendar?

Rachel:

Yeah, three. Maybe I just ask too much of myself.

Alice:

Fuck, you sound like me. I have a diary for my workouts, one for random thoughts, one for my schedule work/training and then my to-do lists I make when I'm bored, plus a tumblr.

Rachel:

I have a tumblr, a blogger, a calendar for events/dates, and a calendar for weight/measurements/exercise, a to-do list, a shopping list, and a marker board...

Alice:

So what if you tried to do the opposite? Don't write things down. Just do one thing at a time.

Rachel:

Yeah, right! Haha. I can try that.

Alice:

Well I mean write less, lol. Instead of like...hourly planning or exact times, just make a simple list and cross it off. Reduce the restrictiveness.

Rachel:

I can do that. Actually, I think I need more hourly planning. Don't fuck around from 11am to 2pm. Just work on (x). Then, stop fucking working on it or thinking about it. You're done with it for today.

Alice:

Try both. Do one this week, do one next week. See when you're more "productive" or "successful" in your own eyes.

Rachel:

I'll try it.

We both realize it's just a band-aid though, right? I mean, my problem is the needing to "feel" productive and general perfectionism. So, I'm treating the symptoms without treating the cause.

Alice:

So in your own eyes, what exactly is the cause?

Rachel:

My mother. 100% my mother. My perfectionism is completely and totally cause by my mother. I'd like to blame the Catholic church, but that was just her tool. And yes, an eating disorder is a million times easier to deal with.

Alice:

Well then you can't really be too upset with yourself. It's a learned/inherited thing. You can try not to be so perfectionistic, but I think you'd just end up worse because you've already established that lifestyle.

Rachel:

It's fucking comforting. Always. I'd rather starve myself than deal with my control issues. And now I don't know what to do right now, in this moment. Because I want to go eat something, because that would be good, because then I'm in control of the food...But I can't eat something because it's too late at night and if I eat something I, that's bad, and I obviously have no self-control.

Alice:

Well although it's late, have you eaten a full 1200 calories? Because if you haven't you could still eat something small.

Rachel:

I've eaten 1235, but my limit is around 1400, since I'm only trying to lose 1 pound per week.

Alice:

Well if I were in your shoes and not up to 1200 (still my cut-off), I'd eat a piece of bread or a single fruit serving. Something wholesome. "Pure," basically.

Rachel:

Solution; Drink a big glass of water.

This is a slow suicide, Alice.

Alice:

Well save me a seat, 'cause I'm right behind you. You know, I'm dissing myself, but I think I'm probably the worst possible person to talk to in this situation because I think and feel almost the exact same way.