Mood's coming up

I don't think I'll ever be able to have a roommate again. It's too nice to be able to wear whatever I want. It's after 1pm here and I haven't opened my mouth to speak to a single person all day. It's lovely.

So far, I've had a salad with black beans, a block of ramen, vitamins, tea, and three glasses of water. I'm weighing in tomorrow morning (and taking measurements) and I'm not going to fuck it up. I'm really hoping that number will be less than 143, but as long as it's below 146, I'm technically still on track. All I have to do today besides not eat shit is:

1. Work on my Curriculum Vitae

2. Read articles

3. Read more articles

4. Grade papers (I'm now a Teaching Assistant)

5. Go to the gym (the tiny, tiny apartment gym that only has one elliptical, one treadmill, and a knock-off Bow-flex)

6. Return a movie (The Thing. Don't watch it; it's boring)

Last night I spend 45 minutes on the elliptical with 10 minutes of jumping rope, all while watching Chopped, which is one of my favorite shows. Right now I'm reading articles and watching Supersize vs. Superskinny, new season. Feeling better today than I have in a few days, but that's likely because I don't have to see anyone today.

Love you all. Stay strong.

Meal plan

Marina sent me my new meal plan today. It goes as follows:

For 2 days, you’ll follow the first plan, and for 1 day you’ll follow the second one. And it can be mixed and matched as you adjust it to your daily routine and workouts. Try to follow it as more of a guideline, oh and still continue to try not to eat past 7-8pm. Do 45 minutes of cardio with each workout day. I know you know how to push it :) just get those intervals going hard unless it’s a morning run, keep a steady pace.

Plan 1:
Meal 1: (as soon as you wake up but after any morning cardio) 5 egg whites, half cup oats (Cinnamon, splenda ok)
Meal 2: (approx. 2 ½ hours later) qt cup almonds, qt cup blueberries
Meal 3: (2hrs later) 4oz chicken breast, 4oz yam or brown rice, 4oz green veggies
Meal 4: (3hrs later) 4oz lean ground turkey or chicken breast with 1 piece fruit.
Meal 5: (2-3hrs later) Post workout 1 scoop whey protein isolate with water only.
Meal 6: (2-3hrs later) 4oz tuna, 4oz green veggies

Plan 2:
Meal 1: (as soon as you wake up but after any morning cardio)5 egg whites, half cup oats,(Cinnamon, splenda ok)
Meal 2: (approx. 2 ½ hours later) 4oz chicken, ½ grapefruit
Meal 3: (2hrs later) 4oz chicken breast, 4oz green veggies
Meal 4: (3hrs later) 4oz lean ground turkey or chicken breast with half cup green beans
Meal 5: (2-3hrs later) Post workout 1 scoop whey protein isolate with water only
Meal 6: (2-3hrs later) 4oz ahi tuna, 4oz green veggies

If your workout falls at a different time, just switch meal 5 with proper meal at proper time.
1 gallon of water daily. Tea, coffee ok, just limit the cream and cut the sugar.
Mrs. Dash seasoning, walden farm 0 calories, splenda and cinnamon all ok.
Keep 1 cheat meal in per week. NO ALCOHOL.

Whoa, Black Betty

I had the best personal training session of my life today. We started with the rowing machine for ten minutes and then moved on to squats - yes, good old-fashioned, keep-your-back-straight-if-you-don't-want-to-hurt-yourself squats. My form is fucking perfect. Finally. Three sets of six at seventy-some pounds with killer form. My ass has never looked better. Then, we moved on to bench press. Three sets of ten at my highest weight ever! I didn't even need help with spotting - I just powered through those like a killer. Thrilled with my progress.

Who's a neurotic, competitive little psycho? I'm a neurotic competitive little psycho.

After that, we finished the last 30 minutes with a totally functional workout. Jump squats, lunges, incline push-ups, jumping jacks, high-knee sprints, bounding, burpees, and mountain climbers. We finished off with three types of shoulder lifts and ended with abs and stretching. I burned close to 700 calories. It was glorious. I can barely walk up stairs and washing my hair was an absolute nightmare.

It's always a good feeling when you earn the right to be sore the next morning. Can't wait til I roll out of my bed groan. I'm back down to 137 today, post-workout. Listening to Black Betty by Spiderbait. Puts me in a good mood.

I'm not going back to therapy. Yeah, I keep flip-flopping, and I know I'll change my mind again in a month. But I'm not going until I've at least gotten down to 135. I'll strongly consider going back once Christmas break is over. Made up my mind.

So far, I've eaten fairly clean today. Had half a peanut butter & jelly sandwich this morning because I was in a rush (I have to wake up at 6am to make my training session on time). Had a romaine salad with black beans, mushrooms, and cheese. I also had whole-wheat pasta with low-sugar spaghetti sauce. Later I'm having tilapia and mixed vegetables. Still loading up on the tea. 10 days to go until December 11th, and I have to hit 135 before then! Wish me luck!

(P.S. - thanks to everyone who reads this blog - It feels great to know that I'm not alone, and that there really are people who understand everything this entails. You're amazing.)

Just...two...more...

137.2 this morning. That's, like, two pounds away from my original goal, the one I set way back in May of '10 when I weighed almost 190 pounds. I am so excited I could puke. So far today I've had a bowl of oatmeal (totally plain), tilapia, two cups of broccoli, and plain black coffee. Also a caffeine pill and a multivitamin. I ran for half an hour this morning, but I didn't push myself because my knee started whining again, and I don't want to risk re-straining it this close to my goal. My gym opens up again tomorrow, and I will be in there at 8am :)

I'm almost nervous. I get to start GRADUALLY working my way back up to a decent caloric amount after I reach my goal. I don't know what I'm going to do with an extra 500 calories a day. It's almost too much to think about. But that puts me so much closer to getting my body fat percentage crazy low, because my body won't act like I'm starving it any more. I'm excited, anxious, nervous...

I almost can't look forward to winter break yet because of all the grad school-related stuff I have to do, but December 11th is right around the corner, and then I'm home free for nearly one month. All my medium-sized clothing is hanging off of me, as are the size 8 jeans I just bought. Size 6, here I finally come!

138.2

Less than 700 calories yesterday. I weighed 138.2 this morning. That's two pounds in 24 hours. No, it's not healthy, but it feels fucking good. That's not something I'm okay with doing on a regular basis, but when you need to see that scale move, it's a way to get it done.

Less than three pounds left to my original goal. I look good in black leggings and a tight, small wife beater. Really, really good. Like, athlete good. No jelly rolls when I'm standing up, almost none when I'm sitting down either. A year and a half ago, I could not have picture myself like this.

Once I get down to 135, I'm just gonna focus on maintaining and changing my the make-up of my body. I want to stay at 135 pounds, but I want another 5-percent shift in my body fat. Right now I'm around 19%. I want to get to 14%. That means eating often, eating clean, and LIFTING WEIGHTS :D

I fucking love working out. It's so much easier than not eating.

Bonus: Added a new page of fitspiration pictures snagged from around the web - place for me to save all the photos of sexy girls with abs :)

Wretched

I was bad yesterday. I was so, so bad. One thousand six hundred eighty three calories worth of bad and vile and absolutely wretched. I almost started crying between dinner and dessert. The food was delicious, something out of Better Homes and Gardens. The company was fantastic. And I feel like a huge fucking cow.

And it's deceptive. A friend took a picture of me from after dinner, sitting on the floor holding a camera, and I look so tiny. I look like a happy, giggling little girl. I've never seen a picture of myself at this weight. I weighed 140.2 pounds again this morning. That picture doesn't make sense. I know it's because I had a cardigan on, hiding my arms, otherwise I would have looked like I always do. My arms are my second least favorite feature, after my stomach. But in that picture, I looked...petite. I've never been petite in my life. It's surreal.

I've been good today, better than I've ever been. Six hundred and forty six calories. I need penance after yesterday; I need to purifying my body. And it feels fantastic. I walked a lot, drank a lot of tea. I'm sorry for what I did yesterday. It was wrong. I know I'd reach 135 faster if I didn't do this to myself.

And then I tell myself, there is nothing wrong with eating 1600 calories in one day. That's perfectly fucking normal. But normally I don't go over 1200. So 1600 feels like a huge overeat. I know I'm wrong. But I can't stop feeling so insanely guilty. And the way I feel when I'm empty, it's like being holy. How can I give that up? I know it's wrong. I know it's a problem. And I'm trying, I really am. I don't like knowing that I behave illogically.

Thanksgiving f[e]ast

At 9:30am, I took 200mg of caffeine. At 11am, I had about two cubic inches of a homemade raspberry breakfast bar. At 12pm, I had 4 oz of baked chicken breast with 1 tbsp of barbecue sauce. I've also had a cup of green tea sweetened with truvia. It's around 1:30 now. I'm completely wired. I took the dogs for a walk this morning around the neighborhood. I'm almost too hyper to focus. I forgot that caffeine does this to me. Eventually my tolerance will build back up, but it's been almost a year since I've supplemented my diet with caffeine. I need to lose four pounds before December 11th (end of the semester; going home for almost a month). I was 139 this morning. There's no way in hell I'm gonna weigh 140 pounds tomorrow.

I'm gonna do something crazy and actually attempt to lose weight this Thanksgiving. I can try a little of whatever and just moderate the hell out of it. As we speak, I am baking two pecan pies that I will not be helping to consume. No alcohol either. It's poisonous and fat-making.

I really can't focus. Too much caffeine and too few calories. I have a paper to finish today before the festivities.

Caffeine

I've come to the conclusion (it didn't take much thought) that I'm seriously missing caffeine in my life. After I moved to my own apartment I lost my delightful coffee machine, so I've been nearly caffeine free for almost a month. Considering how much caffeine I used to consume, I have good grounds to assume that a lack thereof is directly affecting my metabolism.

I was 140 again this morning. I just don't understand how I can still be that huge. I fit into a size six. Who fits into a size six at 140 pounds? And this is when I convince myself that the numbers on the clothes must be wrong. There's no way I can be smaller than a size twelve. I have a 28 inch waist, for chrissake. I don't even feel like a human being.

For breakfast, I had oatmeal with blackberries and stevia. Lunch was tilapia and a romaine salad, with black beans and cheese. I also had ground beef with salsa and chips. I don't know what I'll have for dinner, probably chicken breast and broccoli. Before I bunker down to study for the night, I'm going to make a rare grocery visit for caffeine pills, or green tea supplements. This will be the first time I've tried them. I'm going to try and keep my diet consistent enough to where I can tell if they're even making a significant difference. I also want to get back on niacin, but it's still too hot here, and I'm afraid I'd overheat. I'll wait until the winter break to start cycling again.

Do you ever just feel like a lump of flesh?

On a completely different topic, I can't tell you how much I love "fat people shows". Either documentaries about eating disorders, episodes of the biggest loser, obesity documentaries, weight loss shows, that sort of thing. I'm obsessed. I'm so thrilled What's Eating You finally has a few episodes on youtube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vx3n68PujqI&feature=channel_video_title

11-19-11

I'm doing really well so far today, as far as eating goes. I had old fashioned oatmeal and blackberries for breakfast, baked tilapia and a romaine salad for lunch. I did half an hour of cardio on the elliptical, and lifted legs (it was a light lifting day, low weight with more reps). While on the elliptical, I watched Man versus Food, which is one of my favorite shows. After my workout, I showered and had a protein shake (half a cup of skim milk with 26 grams of chocolate protein powder) and a cup of leftover pasta. It feels like too much, honestly. My stomach feels heavy. I still have 677 calories left for the day, which is exciting. That's like a real meal. I could eat a burger! I'm not going to eat a burger, because I care about my arteries, but I could, and I think that's nice.

I've consistently eaten under my limit every day this week, but again, I haven't lost any weight at all. I weighed 140 this morning, again, for some stupid reason. I'm sure it's because my body is retaliating at this point. I ate hardly anything at all yesterday, bits of a blueberry muffin, 20 ounces of gatorade, and a cup of leftover Chinese (I'm a grad student; I have a lot of leftovers).

Devastatingly, my gym will be closed from November 24th through the 27th, for the Thanksgiving break. So not only do they throw food at me, but they cut me off from my personal fitness sanctuary as well. I'll be running a lot more on those days. My goal for the next week is to at least maintain. I don't know what would happen if I broke 140. I can't even picture anything higher on the scale.

On the plus side, my clothes keep fitting me better and better. I know the major reason I'm not losing weight is because I put on muscle so fast. My entire family has that in common. I may not weigh 120 pounds, but I can bench press more than most girls I know, and I still fit into a small. My next goal in life, if this whole grad school thing doesn't work out, is to pursue figure modeling and personal training. I would love that. Constant form. Constant numbers. Everything calculated and scheduled and just so. To think I could actually make a career out of perfecting my form. It's a pipe dream.

Fear

I don't want to keep going to therapy. I realized that this afternoon. I'm afraid (illogically, delusionally) that if I get better, I'll gain weight. And I'll get so fat again. I terrified of even gaining back five pounds. But I've convinced myself that if this goes away, I'll turn back into the terrible obese monster I used to be. I am absolutely mortified.

I talked it all over with my boyfriend. He thinks it's ludicrous to stop going, or to avoid it. He only wants me to get better. My family would say the same thing. I also talked to one of my friends in the program. She agrees. I'm going to keep going. But I'm just so scared.

This is all I have. I feel like this is all I have. This is what keeps me grounded. I don't know how to go for a day without counting calories. Because mystically, that constant worry is what keeps me from getting fat. That's the only control I have.

And writing that out, I know how insanely delusional it sounds. I know it's crazy talk. It's not real. Normal people don't count calories, don't exercise obsessively, and they don't blow up. There's nothing magical about it. I just can't quite make myself believe it.

First post

I weighed 140 pounds this morning. Well, 140.2 That puts my BMI at 23.3, because I'm 5'5". I woke up at 6am, ate a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and went to my personal training session. It was a functional workout. I ran stairs, did push-ups, lots of abs, worked with kettle bells and medicine balls. I even fell backwards off the stairs doing toe touches. I finished my workout fifteen minutes ahead of schedule. That's what you get when you don't take breaks. My body-fat percentage is 19.4. That's down from six weeks ago, when it was right around 25%. It's amazing the things you can do in just six weeks. Imagine what I'll be able to accomplish by the end of May.

On the bus on the way there and back, I read Marya Hornbacher's Wasted. I ordered it weeks ago. It just got here. This is my second time reading it.

For lunch, I had leftover pasta. And varied throughout the day, broccoli, a cheese stick, homemade vegetable soup, a chicken breast, and a romaine salad with cheese, black beans, and dressing. For dinner I'm going to have tilapia. And something else. That almost puts me over on sodium for the day. I'm trying to stay under on everything. I can have 1380 calories. More today, because I worked out.

My name is Rachel. I am 22 years old, I am a grad student, and I have an eating disorder. When I'm not writing papers or working on research, I'm obsessing over food and exercise. To be most specific, I have ED-NOS. That's an eating disorder, not otherwise specified. I'm not anorexic or bulimic, I don't purge after I eat, and I'm not underweight. What I do is count. Everything. I have panic attacks if I don't know what is in my food, if I don't know where it came from, if I can't determine its exact nutritional content. I weigh all my food and plan my meals weeks ahead of time. If I deviate from this, I feel deep overwhelming guilt. I can't function. I feel deep and constant shame when I do eat, no matter what it is. I don't exercise as a purging behavior, but because it helps curb some of the guilt. And it helps push away the unbearable thoughts of "fatness." I realize that my body is healthy, that I am not overweight. But part of the problem is false cognition and misperception. I'm ashamed of my body, and to me, needing to eat reflects a permeating physical weakness. I have a lot of issues with personal weakness, and perceiving myself as weak, or worth less, because of my body, or my needs. This overlying theme permeates most realms of my life.

I used to weigh 190 pounds. That was a year ago.

I'm writing all this because I want to talk to someone about it and hopefully find other people who understand. As a disclaimer, I want to say now that I don't think this behavior is okay, and I encourage anyone with an eating disorder, no matter how more or less severe than mine, to seek treatment.

I myself am in treatment. My therapist, my clinician, and my friends and family are all aware of what I go through. I talk to people. Just like I'm talking now. I am not, however, in recovery. I am trying to modify my current behaviors to make them into something healthy. I'm trying to turn my obsessions and compulsions and anxiety and guilt into something good. I'm trying to find reasons to change. I've been like this for so long that I can't remember what it's like to not think about what I eat.

Worst case scenario, you'll find what I write to be horrible, or boring, or shallow. I hope not, because I have a very thin skin, and I'm only here to do something good. Either to make myself feel better, or to help someone else. Maybe I'm that naive.