I'm making some pretty big changes in my life. The biggest? Dropping out of my grad school program. I'm not happy in academia and according to my advisor (and myself, if I'm being honest) I'm not cut out for academia either. She let me know, bluntly but tactfully, that I didn't have the chops to get into a Ph.D. program. When I started crying, it wasn't because I was mortified that my dreams of over a decade were crushed; it was because I was thrilled to finally be able to breathe again. Oh my god, guys, I don't feel like killing myself any more. Do you know how fucking crazy that feels? For the first time since October of 2010, I'm not suicidal. I actually want to live. And I'm tired of being a student.
I'm ready to grow up now.
I'm done seeing Becka, altogether. Things just got too chaotic and I cut that thread. I'm better off for it.
I have a new boyfriend, Blake, who completely supports my changes and is, if at all possible, the most positive thing about my life right now (though I'm pretty optimistic about all of it.) He understands my issues surrounding food and exercise. He's had problems with drugs in the past and he's more than willing to stay clean with me. It's one of the most major commitments of our relationship; (I know, statistically speaking, that this might not happen, but pessimism won't get me anywhere). He's got a good career ahead of him. I really like this guy and I hope we're together for a long time.
And, I have two job interviews lined up: One with a gym and one with a supplement chain. I'm happier than I've been in a year and a half.
