He was supposed to fly here to see me this weekend. I don't know how to be alone right now.
So I stopped eating again. It's been 48 hours. It's the only way I know how to cope.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Broken and angry
Liam broke up with me Wednesday. He doesn't feel like I'm a whole person, and he'd rather be my therapist than my boyfriend. I'm too broken and I'm too angry and he doesn't love me like he used to.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
More than you ever wanted to know about my hormones
First, thank you Jay, Scarlett & Kylie for your happy thoughts. It means a lot, even if I don't show it, and even if I don't keep up like I should.
Right now, my adviser has us (Becka and I) working on a project on Shaken Baby Syndrome from a legal/forensic perspective. Tell you what, it's killer. No, really. It's destroying my ability to think about babies without being sad. My hormones are fucked, I think.
Ready for a TMI paragraph? Read on, brave souls.
My period was eleven days late this month. No, I'm not pregnant. No, my birth control isn't messing with me (I'm not on it). I haven't even had sex in over a year and a half. In total, instead of lasting a normal 28 days, my cycle is up to 45. When I do get my period, it lasts for about two days. Oh poor you, you think. Well, it's scary. I'd like to be normal. Before I started working out, before I was ever on birth control, my periods came ever 28 days and lasted for three. Just peachy.
I'm one of those people who wants to have children. I want to be a mother. I just also happen to want to have a six pack. I know I should be on birth control to keep my hormones in check (more on that below), but when I'm on it, I have periods that can last up to two weeks. I'm constantly bloated and it's torture.
Even more TMI:
I already have fucked-up hormones as it is. My body produces too much testosterone. No, I'm not a hermaphrodite/transsexual/lesbian. I don't have excess body hair and I have totally normal breasts. But, normal women produce between 5-20 units of testosterone. Anything under 49 is still considered normal. I'm somewhere around 35. All this really means is that my periods are lighter and farther between that most people. It means I don't have a sex drive when I'm not on birth control (because birth control gives me back enough estrogen to make me a normal, hormonal girl). It also means I build muscle faster than most women I know. And, in the case of the females in my family, we have a hell of a time staying pregnant. Miscarriages are really common, especially with those of us who're more athletic. One of my 25-year-old cousins finally made it into her second trimester. She and her husband have been trying for three years.
So, that's where I am on that spectrum. I've been working out consistently again for the last 2-3 weeks, and I've already got my tiny waist back. I'm still following Marina's diet plan religiously, and now that I'm eating, my moods are in check.
My doctor recently dropped my dose of citalopram back to 20mg. The 40mg were fucking with my sleep cycle, and giving me all sorts of nasty vivid dreams (which are common with SSRIs, in case anyone here has experienced the same symptoms). Mostly, they involved skin flaying and amputees and burning alive. It was traumatic. But, aside from the wonky periods, my mental state is healthy, for once. I feel like I'm actually productive again, now that I'm not crying all the time.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, get help, if you need it. Mental and physical health workers can be some of the most understanding, empathetic people on the planet. All it takes it making the first step. I'm going to keep pushing myself, but I'm also trying to take care of myself. My health isn't just about me.
Right now, my adviser has us (Becka and I) working on a project on Shaken Baby Syndrome from a legal/forensic perspective. Tell you what, it's killer. No, really. It's destroying my ability to think about babies without being sad. My hormones are fucked, I think.
Ready for a TMI paragraph? Read on, brave souls.
My period was eleven days late this month. No, I'm not pregnant. No, my birth control isn't messing with me (I'm not on it). I haven't even had sex in over a year and a half. In total, instead of lasting a normal 28 days, my cycle is up to 45. When I do get my period, it lasts for about two days. Oh poor you, you think. Well, it's scary. I'd like to be normal. Before I started working out, before I was ever on birth control, my periods came ever 28 days and lasted for three. Just peachy.
I'm one of those people who wants to have children. I want to be a mother. I just also happen to want to have a six pack. I know I should be on birth control to keep my hormones in check (more on that below), but when I'm on it, I have periods that can last up to two weeks. I'm constantly bloated and it's torture.
Even more TMI:
I already have fucked-up hormones as it is. My body produces too much testosterone. No, I'm not a hermaphrodite/transsexual/lesbian. I don't have excess body hair and I have totally normal breasts. But, normal women produce between 5-20 units of testosterone. Anything under 49 is still considered normal. I'm somewhere around 35. All this really means is that my periods are lighter and farther between that most people. It means I don't have a sex drive when I'm not on birth control (because birth control gives me back enough estrogen to make me a normal, hormonal girl). It also means I build muscle faster than most women I know. And, in the case of the females in my family, we have a hell of a time staying pregnant. Miscarriages are really common, especially with those of us who're more athletic. One of my 25-year-old cousins finally made it into her second trimester. She and her husband have been trying for three years.
So, that's where I am on that spectrum. I've been working out consistently again for the last 2-3 weeks, and I've already got my tiny waist back. I'm still following Marina's diet plan religiously, and now that I'm eating, my moods are in check.
My doctor recently dropped my dose of citalopram back to 20mg. The 40mg were fucking with my sleep cycle, and giving me all sorts of nasty vivid dreams (which are common with SSRIs, in case anyone here has experienced the same symptoms). Mostly, they involved skin flaying and amputees and burning alive. It was traumatic. But, aside from the wonky periods, my mental state is healthy, for once. I feel like I'm actually productive again, now that I'm not crying all the time.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, get help, if you need it. Mental and physical health workers can be some of the most understanding, empathetic people on the planet. All it takes it making the first step. I'm going to keep pushing myself, but I'm also trying to take care of myself. My health isn't just about me.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Back and sick
I feel fine, I feel fine, I feel fine...and then my adviser posts pictures of all of us lab students climbing around on sand dunes in California and all I can see is the giant fat roll of fat around my stomach and I feel sick all over again. I haven't been posting because I've been feeling fine, and confidant, and I've been eating a stable 1600 calories a day. And obviously, fine, stable 1600 calories still leave me a fat bloated whale.
I'm so sick about these stupid fucking pictures that I have a headache. I'm miserable and I can't concentrate on any of my articles. All I want is to run screaming to the gym and just close my eyes whenever I pass in front of a mirror. I hate that it's going to get hot here again soon. I hate not being able to just cover myself up in a giant sweater. There's too much of me.
I'm so sick about these stupid fucking pictures that I have a headache. I'm miserable and I can't concentrate on any of my articles. All I want is to run screaming to the gym and just close my eyes whenever I pass in front of a mirror. I hate that it's going to get hot here again soon. I hate not being able to just cover myself up in a giant sweater. There's too much of me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)