Jump rope

So, jumping rope for 30 minutes burns over 500 calories. No shit. Accuracy acquired from my Polar FT4 heart rate monitor. It's a wonderful tool, if you feel like splurging (or you have a birthday coming up). I use it all the time. I used to be ridiculously awful at jumping rope. No, really, I'd get made of for it in elementary school. So now, I go out of my way to be good at it. Ideally, I'd look like a boxer. Fast rope jumping. And, I don't have to go to the gym. So that's nice too.

So far today, I've done mostly leg lifts, glute exercises, etc. Now that I've stopped lifting weights and I'm more focused on cutting down on fat/cutting weight, I'm really paranoid that I'll lose the ass I've worked so hard for. That's one of the areas of my body that I'm really proud of, because sweat for it. I have a peachy butt. It looks great in pretty much anything, or when I'm not wearing anything at all. God forbid I am ever one of those thin girls with a flat ass. Disgusting. Or a flat ass that looks like so much pancake batter poured into a plastic bag. Hell no. I'll do lunges until I pass out before I look like that.

I'm reading articles and avoiding leaving my apartment and watching more Supersize vs. Superskinny. I think this is my second or third time watching all four seasons all the way through. It's my personal mini-marathon. Probably not healthy, but whatever, I'm also working out and doing research/schoolwork at the same time, which is all I ever ask of myself anyway. After this last week, I just want to take a day off and rest. Spring break is next week, so at least I won't have anything new to do.

Oh, sweet nectar.

I just got back from cardio. This is the one time a day were I feel completely at peace with the world. When I'm sweating. 30 minutes on the elliptical and 15 minutes straight of jumping rope, followed by a variety of crunches. I look like I jumped in a river. Pretty sure my shirt smells, which I'm actually kind of proud of. Resident Evil 2 was on tonight, so that's what I watched. It's easier to work out during action movies, or anything involving people with nice abs shooting things or punching each other.

I overate today, though. Had like, an entire pot of shells & cheese. Pasta is just one of my many weaknesses. Another is green goddess salad dressing. Oh, and croutons. And avocados. I know they're technically healthy, but they're pure fat. I also had brown cinnamon & sugar pop tarts, for which there is no excuse. Those are poisonous.

Right now, I'm watching Adrienne & Danni's episode of What's Eating You (for the 50th time, I swear) on youtube. And my abs are killing me. Tea time.

Bikini

I had my first training session with Marina last night. We did mainly shoulders and abs. She pushed me hard. My favorite part was when she commented on how shockingly perky I was. I can't imagine anyone not being perky when working with a trainer. It's such an endorphin rush, just being in the gym in general, without having a professional working with you. My training session was over by 8pm, but we both stuck around just talking to each other for an extra hour. She invited me to come watch her first bikini competition in March. Becka and I are going together.

I had, like, 1600 calories yesterday. And my waist was smaller this morning. I've now officially under 28 inches. 27 and 3/4. Yay! So far today I've had cereal, a sandwich, a huge salad, tilapia, vegetable soup, lots of water. I'm taking today off from the gym since I worked out hard and lifted the last four days in a row.

Becka and I are going night hiking tonight. I have know idea what that entails, but I'm assuming it's just hiking at night, yeah?

I'd love to do a bikini competition some day. What say you?

Allergy head clouds

I've had almost a week's worth of steady, focused training session. If only you could out-train a shitty diet. I've been taking in too much sodium (damn ramen noodles) and I've been eating entirely too late (anything past 8pm is too late). Still, it's better than I was eating back at my Dad's place, if for no other reason than the fact that I don't buy ranch Doritos (because then I would eat all of them in one sitting).

Right now it's almost 2pm, and I'm sitting in my office drinking green tea and working on a spreadsheet for a research project/watching The Biggest Loser. It won't take long. We just have so many researchers running this one project (it's a 3-year process) that we need a lot of ways to hold them all accountable, mostly the undergrads. My general annoyance isn't helped by the fact that I've develop desert allergies and cannot breathe through my nose. Ironically, the only time I don't feel like cutting my own head off is while I'm in the gym. My head completely clears and I can actually speak well enough to be understood.

Last night I watched The Hunted. It’s one of my favorite movies. I’ve always been interested in survivalism, the wilderness, tracking, hand-to-hand combat. Check it out if you haven’t. It’s worth a look.

I already went for a run yesterday morning; half an hour of HIIT. Lifted legs between classes with Becka, which lead to some mild awkwardness. Not between me and her, but with the rest of my cohort. I hung out with a completely different group of grad students last semester, but when it started to become evident that none of them were interested in working out or eating healthy, I started hanging out with Becka more and more. Coming back from the gym, we ran into either other members of our class who just stared at us across the courtyard, all sweaty in running shorts and tank tops. The girls I used to spend time with know I'm in treatment, and the rest probably suspect if (if they haven't been outright informed). None of them know that Becka's ever been treated for an ED, but looking at it as an outsider, it would be hard to spend that much time with me unless you were just as much of a gym rat as I am.

Becka tries to isolate herself on purpose, and I think that just by hanging out with her, I'm starting to do it too.

Gonna work out again later tonight. Lifting upper body, and at least half an hour on the elliptical. I finally rented a locker on campus so I can stop toting my gym shoes back and forth. I have a pair for outside running and a pair for inside training. I don't like to mess up the machines by using gym shoes that are wet or have gravel in the bottoms. Treadmills are not cheap.

I have my first meeting with an ED specialist (like, a real doctor) tomorrow morning at 9am.

River

Thank god for workout partners. Without Becka, I'd probably still be losing my Winter weight, not to mention the fact that I'd seriously be considering dropping out of my grad program and moving back to the Midwest. It's nice to have a friend I have so much in common with.

We did upper body/cardio together on Saturday. I can bench a whole three sets of five reps at 65 pounds - kinda pathetic, I know, but I used to only be able to do the bar, so give me some credit. Push-ups, lat pull-downs, rows and the like (even attempted an unassisted pull-up, unsuccessfully). Becka can do all kinds of pull-ups. We also did half an hour on the elliptical. It goes by faster when you have someone to talk to, and you burn more calories because you're more out of breath. Believe me, I used my HRM, so I have the numbers to prove it.

The next day I went out to the river with her and her dog and some other friends. We climbed trees, hiked, built a fire. It was a really good way to spend an afternoon. Since I've been back I've already lost four pounds, back down to around 138. Looking to get a job as a server. I'm trying to re-wrap my brain around school and steady work-outs.

Skinny Fit (fat?)

I had a morning workout with one of my good friends. Leg day. Yesterday was upper body. Today, we did squats, lunges, HIIT, all that jazz. It's nice having a consistent, focused, dedicated work-out partner where ever I go. I'm now working out at two different gyms while I'm home, the hospital and the 24-hour gym. She's 5'4" and started out at around 155 pounds. She's down to 135 now. I'm jealous that she's down lower than me, but she's also shorter, and she didn't have as far to go. She's lost 20. I've lost 50. So, there you go (and yes, that's me being profoundly catty, but I fit into her fat jeans, and while I love these jeans, they're someone else's fat jeans). She also counts calories, and we eat around the same amount every day. We can spend two hours in the gym together just making up new mean routines for each other. It's a good time.

My diet's been unnaturally healthy, even for me, but I've been eating more than normal. I've actually gained about two or three pounds back, but I look significantly better than I did a week ago. I'm constantly torn between knowing that I can lose all the weight I want if I just cut down to around 300 calories a day, and wanting desperately to look toned and maintain my muscle density. Skinny or fit, skinny or fit, skinny or fit. It's constant, and I fight with it the second I wake up until I fall asleep. I want that scale to say 125, but I also want my biceps popping out of my sleeves. So, I maintain a consistent diet. And I work out. The most important thing is to just keep going, right? And I'm good at that part.

But for right now, I'm frustrated.

Scheduling

It's not that I have a lot of time on my hands, hah! I just micromanage. An average "heavy" training day looks something like this:

6:30am: Wake up

6:35am: Weigh self, take morning supplements (caffeine, CTS max)

6:45am: Meal 1 (usually plain rolled oats and coffee)

7:15am: Half hour run/jog

8:00am: Personal training (at $20/hour, this shit ain't easy on my tiny student budget. I bought 10 sessions as a present to myself for getting into grad school. I plan on doing another 10 next semester)

9:30am: Home, squeeze in studying, cook and pack all my meals for the day, quick shower

10am: Head to my office on campus, work on research until class starts

12pm-6pm: Grad classes + meals 2 & 3 (usually a romaine salad, vegetable soup, and chicken or tilapia, occasionally whole-wheat carbs) +afternoon supplements (CTS max, multivitamin, protein shake)

6:15pm: Catch a workout class/lifting/cardio at the campus gym

7:45pm: Walk home (I barely drive anywhere), shower, have a protein shake (homemade) + meal 4 (salad or soup, sometimes string cheese and raw veggies) + night supplements

8pm-11:30pm: Homework/research/writing papers until bedtime

Rinse & repeat :)

On days I don't have class, that 6 hour afternoon slot gets taken up with a lot more research, running participants, and writing papers. And an extra work-out session, usually with Becka (she's also one of my lab partners), typically involving me falling off of something. Today we went to a step class, which was a lot more intense than I thought it would be. If you haven't gathered, I spend a lot of my time sweaty and gross.

Split Open Shins

My workout yesterday morning with my trainer was fantastic. We did a mountain climb (jacking up the treadmill) for 10-minutes worth of thigh-numbing cardio. Then we moved on to sumo squats, kettle bell swings, incline push-ups, box jumps, toe taps, high-knee sprints, jumping jacks, and other fun stuff. The toe-taps were the close-out, just before abs. Trainer told me to do them "for a minute, or until you fall on your ass." I fell on my ass at exactly 60 seconds, straight backwards off the 24-inch block. I have a bruise on my ass. Abs were easy, but since I'd done abs the day before with Becka, my entire torso was just non-functional.

Then I came back home, took a shower, and went to my noon boot-camp workout with Becka. There were only four of us in the class, we two grad student and another guy and girl. The guy dropped out after half an hour. Wuss. The trainer was a chubby guy. Becka and I quietly commented on our shared disdain for fat trainers. Our training consisted of three rounds of minute-long box jumps, squat presses, kettle bell squats, push-ups, oblique twists, jumping jacks, dumbbell swings, one-armed push-up rows, medicine ball throws, and shoulder shrugs with 35-pound bells. I was first up on the box jumps, and wouldn't you know it, I tripped again. Forward, this time, and I carved my shin open. Fat trainer gave me a band-aid and told me to keep going. I did. Today, my shin has a 5-inch diameter bruise with an 2-inch long ugly red cut. I'm actually kind of proud of it. I've iced it; still hurts.

I just texted Becka a picture of it. She said "Awesome! Looks like the bruise got way bigger. Battle wounds!"

There's a reason I love this girl.

After our work out (total time spent doing circuit training: 2.5 hours) she and I were changing in the locker room, talking about our individual diagnoses. She's a former gymnast, diagnosed with ED-NOS for six years now, and "coping." She's immensely afraid of gaining weight and just as addicted to the gym as me. Thank fucking god I finally know someone in real life I who I can talk to about this. We have a lot of other things in common too, like our intense fear/dislike/general abhorrence of sex. I think that just goes along with ED too. Self-control/perfectionism/all that closed-off-shit.

Started on at least a 5-day cycle of The Water Pill from Complete Nutrition. It's the only sure fire way I know to make the number drop on the scale. Yes, I know, it's just water weight, but I'm already down to 18% body-fat, so I'm gonna reward my psyche by letting myself see that number go down. I need it.

Headache

The Victoria's Secret Christmas commercials on Hulu make me feel obese and haggard.

My final exam in psychopathology less well than I hoped, but I haven't received my grade yet, and I probably won't for at least another week, so I'll hold off punishing myself until then. I know from that deep place inside myself (which is miraculously free of neuroticism) that I got an A, but I'm still paranoid.

What I do get to punish myself for today is how much I've eaten over the last two days. Today wasn't much better than yesterday. The real crime was Starbucks. Even if you get the skinny versions of their drinks, they still have enough sugar to kill a small child. Abdominal fat. Ugh. I didn't work out today either, but I did have a two-hour final worth 1/3 of my grade. So I'll use that as an excuse and kill myself tomorrow. And I do plan on it.

I have to wake up at 6am to make it to my 8am training fresh and ready to go. Training lasts an hour, and I'm sure my trainer is planning on killing me since it's our last workout together until next semester. After that, I come home, shower, go to my office on campus to work on my take-home grad stats final. Then, I go to a performance training session with Becka in the campus gym. Right after that, Becka and I have to drive a city over for a meeting. Then, I have to go shopping with another classmate for a Christmas gift for yet another classmate. Then, I will shower again.

I am going to try to do all of this while subsisting on tea and vegetable soup. If I'm not ready to collapse by 7:00pm, I will have done something wrong.

I have a permeating headache right now, and I really want to go to bed.

I thrive on this

I am stressed. I have a final tomorrow. It's for my grad-level psychopathology class. It involves answering four essay questions. The professor gave us eight essay questions to study for. We won't know which four are actually on the exam until we take the exam. We have two hours to answer the questions. We must be thorough, but concise. This is one of three grades I receive in this class (the other two being for a paper, on which I received and A+, and a 3-hour presentation, on which I received an A+). In order to pass the class, I have to get an A. Anything less with either fail me, or put me on academic probation, because that's just how our program works. So far, for the semester, I have a 4.0. I am an A student. I am also a type A personality. I thrive on stress. It makes it easy to quiet all the little voices in my head that tell me I'm weak. I'm not weak today. So I took the advantage and ate a shit ton of food, knowing that academics come before nutrition, and I can't panic about food while I'm panicking about school. No, seriously. And this is coming from someone with an eating disorder. So that should tell you how stressed I get about school.

And grad school is fucking hard, kids. But hey, I'm gonna have a Ph.D. in a few years.

I'm also stressed because I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for breakfast, Chinese food for lunch, and a burger and fries for dinner. I had almost 2,000 calories today, and I think I'm gonna die. I only worked out for an hour and a half today. On the plus side, I have a new workout buddy. Her name is Becka. She's another member of my cohort, and she's a former gymnast. 5'0", 105 pounds of almost pure muscle. She also has some kind of an eating disorder. She's one of the loveliest people I've ever met in my life. She also happens to have a deep scar running from her right eyebrow, across her face, diagonally down to her left cheek. She doesn't try to hide it. We do yoga together. For our workout today, we did chest, back, and abs. She has some of the most envy-inducing core strength I have ever seen. This is me, jealous.

On second thought, this might not be stress. This is actually kind of fun. I see it more as a challenge, something to overcome, than something to suffer for. That's how I feel about exercise too. Maybe I can apply that mindset to food. As soon as finals are over, I'm going to utilize this theory.

Nine more days.

I told you I'd change my mind again. I'm going back to therapy, albeit not until school starts back up in January. I go home in nine days. I'm going to be staying with my father for almost a month, and my only responsibilities will be cooking, dog-watching, and working out. I'm going to be in the gym every single day, rest days be damned. I was 137.2 this morning. I'm here again, just over a pound away. I've been right here so many times.

I did an hour of cardio this morning. It was easy; there was a UFC marathon on Spike. If anything inspires me to quit bitching and keep sweating, it's watching angry, shirtless men beating each other. I was subconsciously competing with the guy on the elliptical next to me. He was going faster than me the whole time. Nosy little me, I leaned over to look at his resistance level. It was set to one. Mine was set to twelve. That means I win. I also did the most thorough bicep cycle of my life; five different lifts for one muscle group. My torso fits into an extra small, but my arms need at a least a size (sometimes two) larger. My flabby, awful torso. My soft fucking torso. It's the worst part about me, other than my (current) complete lack of resolve. I also did standing calf raises, but those barely count as an exercise.

When I came home, I got to eat spaghetti, which is such a huge treat. I'd feel safe about it if it weren't for the fact that spaghetti sauce has so much sugar. Some brands have up to 10 grams in half a cup. That's obscene.

The niacin and caffeine are making a difference, at least on the scale. I feel like I have rabies, and my mood swings on a dime, but I'm getting tighter faster. I keep fantasizing about how I'll feel when the scale finally reads 135. Worst case scenario, I don't feel a damn thing. Best case scenario, I start sobbing out of sheer joy and take a picture of the number. I have a feeling it'll be somewhere in between.

As of yesterday, there is officially a real diagnosis on my transcript: ED-NOS. This is based on a mutual diagnosis from my general practitioner and my psychologist. I've known it for over a year, but it only feels real now. This is good, because insurance will cover more medication/therapy. This is bad, because I have a label, which makes me feel more than a little sick, and extremely over-exposed.

Whoa, Black Betty

I had the best personal training session of my life today. We started with the rowing machine for ten minutes and then moved on to squats - yes, good old-fashioned, keep-your-back-straight-if-you-don't-want-to-hurt-yourself squats. My form is fucking perfect. Finally. Three sets of six at seventy-some pounds with killer form. My ass has never looked better. Then, we moved on to bench press. Three sets of ten at my highest weight ever! I didn't even need help with spotting - I just powered through those like a killer. Thrilled with my progress.

Who's a neurotic, competitive little psycho? I'm a neurotic competitive little psycho.

After that, we finished the last 30 minutes with a totally functional workout. Jump squats, lunges, incline push-ups, jumping jacks, high-knee sprints, bounding, burpees, and mountain climbers. We finished off with three types of shoulder lifts and ended with abs and stretching. I burned close to 700 calories. It was glorious. I can barely walk up stairs and washing my hair was an absolute nightmare.

It's always a good feeling when you earn the right to be sore the next morning. Can't wait til I roll out of my bed groan. I'm back down to 137 today, post-workout. Listening to Black Betty by Spiderbait. Puts me in a good mood.

I'm not going back to therapy. Yeah, I keep flip-flopping, and I know I'll change my mind again in a month. But I'm not going until I've at least gotten down to 135. I'll strongly consider going back once Christmas break is over. Made up my mind.

So far, I've eaten fairly clean today. Had half a peanut butter & jelly sandwich this morning because I was in a rush (I have to wake up at 6am to make my training session on time). Had a romaine salad with black beans, mushrooms, and cheese. I also had whole-wheat pasta with low-sugar spaghetti sauce. Later I'm having tilapia and mixed vegetables. Still loading up on the tea. 10 days to go until December 11th, and I have to hit 135 before then! Wish me luck!

(P.S. - thanks to everyone who reads this blog - It feels great to know that I'm not alone, and that there really are people who understand everything this entails. You're amazing.)

Just...two...more...

137.2 this morning. That's, like, two pounds away from my original goal, the one I set way back in May of '10 when I weighed almost 190 pounds. I am so excited I could puke. So far today I've had a bowl of oatmeal (totally plain), tilapia, two cups of broccoli, and plain black coffee. Also a caffeine pill and a multivitamin. I ran for half an hour this morning, but I didn't push myself because my knee started whining again, and I don't want to risk re-straining it this close to my goal. My gym opens up again tomorrow, and I will be in there at 8am :)

I'm almost nervous. I get to start GRADUALLY working my way back up to a decent caloric amount after I reach my goal. I don't know what I'm going to do with an extra 500 calories a day. It's almost too much to think about. But that puts me so much closer to getting my body fat percentage crazy low, because my body won't act like I'm starving it any more. I'm excited, anxious, nervous...

I almost can't look forward to winter break yet because of all the grad school-related stuff I have to do, but December 11th is right around the corner, and then I'm home free for nearly one month. All my medium-sized clothing is hanging off of me, as are the size 8 jeans I just bought. Size 6, here I finally come!

Strain

The Good news: I took a 200mg caffeine pill this morning. I react to that stuff like it's speed. I read three scholarly articles in twenty minutes and went for a 5k run (29 minutes). Normally I'm not even functioning high enough to brush my teeth before 9am. I think this will be my new regular morning routine (at least on weekdays; I have to switch it up constantly so my body doesn't find a rhythm).

The Bad news: I seriously messed up my left knee this time. I knew half-way through my run that I was straining it, but like an idiot I kept going for another mile and a half. Now, a few hours later, it feels fine when I'm not putting pressure on it, but when I put pressure on it it's pretty unbearable. I'm gonna give it a few days to heal, which means no cardio for me until after Thanksgiving. That's what I get for being an overachiever.

On a completely random note, one of the journalism students from my university just contacted me via my bodybuilding.com profile, wanted to do a story on my extreme weight loss, healthy lifestyle, and fitness goals for the school newspaper, because I've made such progress in such a short time. That's an odd feeling. I told him I'd be willing to do it if it were just a story, not a video clip, and if there were other people featured as well. This offer is coming on the heels of my therapist wanting me to get treatment at an eating disorders clinic.

I can't make this shit up, people.

Hungry

From October 2010 through February of 2011, I liked being hungry. Especially at night. It was a signal that I'd done something right, and that I was safe. Then, over this past summer, I started seeing hunger as a negative trigger, meaning that my body was in starvation mode and that it was already too late and my muscles were being eaten away, or something like that. So, I started to panic whenever I was marginally hungry, but I'd also freak out whenever I felt full.

Right now I'm trying to find the middle ground. I had my second therapy session this morning. It was more of an intake assessment than anything. The doctor referred me to a specialized clinic for eating disorders and disordered eating. Yeah, there's a difference. Apparently I'm on the cusp between the two. I don't want to go to a clinic. Not to mention it'll probably cost even more. But more that I'm afraid of the label. I don't want to go to an EATING DISORDERS CLINIC. That's like putting a big red stamp on my forehead. The label makes me feel even weaker, like I've "really done it this time."

And right now, I'm hungry. I'm so, so very hungry.

I've started adding a lot of tea back into my diet, hoping the caffeine will push me off this plateau. I was 139.8 this morning, which might as well be 140.

On the plus side, I had a fantastic workout this evening. I hit arms, mostly biceps and chest. I feel self conscious about my arms because my triceps are overdeveloped compared to my biceps. My arms are actually considerable bigger than they out to be, proportionally, because I concentrate a lot on my shoulders and upper arms when lifting. I'm not going for a stereotypical hourglass shape, more like two triangles. I want my upper body to look like an inverted triangle. I've come to terms with the fact that after I'm done losing as much fat as I'd like, I'll more resemble a gymnast than a ballerina. I have a lot of muscle. Yes, I'm relatively flat-chested, another thing I'm coming to terms with after losing so much weight. I went from a 36DD to a 34A. My breasts are more pectoral muscle than breast (and I'm totally fine with that; running is comfortable now).

I also did a hard half hour of cardio on the elliptical (hard meaning that I didn't just pedal and fiddle with the television.) If I'm not sweating hard half way through, I'm doing something wrong. I got to add 300 calories onto my total for the day! Not that I'll get to eat them. New rule, no eating after 8pm. Hopefully I actually see some movement on the scale tomorrow!

11-19-11

I'm doing really well so far today, as far as eating goes. I had old fashioned oatmeal and blackberries for breakfast, baked tilapia and a romaine salad for lunch. I did half an hour of cardio on the elliptical, and lifted legs (it was a light lifting day, low weight with more reps). While on the elliptical, I watched Man versus Food, which is one of my favorite shows. After my workout, I showered and had a protein shake (half a cup of skim milk with 26 grams of chocolate protein powder) and a cup of leftover pasta. It feels like too much, honestly. My stomach feels heavy. I still have 677 calories left for the day, which is exciting. That's like a real meal. I could eat a burger! I'm not going to eat a burger, because I care about my arteries, but I could, and I think that's nice.

I've consistently eaten under my limit every day this week, but again, I haven't lost any weight at all. I weighed 140 this morning, again, for some stupid reason. I'm sure it's because my body is retaliating at this point. I ate hardly anything at all yesterday, bits of a blueberry muffin, 20 ounces of gatorade, and a cup of leftover Chinese (I'm a grad student; I have a lot of leftovers).

Devastatingly, my gym will be closed from November 24th through the 27th, for the Thanksgiving break. So not only do they throw food at me, but they cut me off from my personal fitness sanctuary as well. I'll be running a lot more on those days. My goal for the next week is to at least maintain. I don't know what would happen if I broke 140. I can't even picture anything higher on the scale.

On the plus side, my clothes keep fitting me better and better. I know the major reason I'm not losing weight is because I put on muscle so fast. My entire family has that in common. I may not weigh 120 pounds, but I can bench press more than most girls I know, and I still fit into a small. My next goal in life, if this whole grad school thing doesn't work out, is to pursue figure modeling and personal training. I would love that. Constant form. Constant numbers. Everything calculated and scheduled and just so. To think I could actually make a career out of perfecting my form. It's a pipe dream.

Running

I woke up late this morning, too late to make it into the gym, so I went for my first real run in months. It takes me a while to prepare for a run. I pull my hair up. I wear the clothes I wore whenever the last time I worked out was. No point in making new ones dirty. I tie my shoes. I wait until at least half an hour after I've eaten something. I stretch. I put on my heart rate monitor and watch. I make sure my mp3 player is sitting just right against my hip. I make sure the monitor is working. The whole process usually takes at least fifteen minutes. I make sure my shoes are tied right. They're not. I re-tie them.

My run lasted half an hour (29 minutes and 58 seconds) and went from my apartment, down two blocks, and wrapped around the front of my campus. I raced myself back to make sure I made it in under half an hour. I burned 359 calories. It was hot outside. I don't think about anything while I run. I just listen to music and my legs move and I can look down and see my muscles flexing and everything is better.

I am choosing to continue with therapy. My next appointment is Monday morning.

This morning I ate oatmeal. Lunch was leftover Chinese. Then, for some stupid reason, I had a vegan burrito. But I didn't have the donuts brought for my lab. For dinner I'm going to have tuna salad and one ounce of cheddar cheese. We're all going out tonight for drinks. I'm not drinking. This morning, I weighed 139.2.

I messed up my knee on my run. I'm not going to run tomorrow. Just use the elliptical, I think. Saturday will be an off-day, then. I never workout for more than three days in a row, and I never do more than half an hour of cardio at a time. I wish I could, but then I'd never stop, and I have to have limits. Because my body is fallible.

First post

I weighed 140 pounds this morning. Well, 140.2 That puts my BMI at 23.3, because I'm 5'5". I woke up at 6am, ate a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and went to my personal training session. It was a functional workout. I ran stairs, did push-ups, lots of abs, worked with kettle bells and medicine balls. I even fell backwards off the stairs doing toe touches. I finished my workout fifteen minutes ahead of schedule. That's what you get when you don't take breaks. My body-fat percentage is 19.4. That's down from six weeks ago, when it was right around 25%. It's amazing the things you can do in just six weeks. Imagine what I'll be able to accomplish by the end of May.

On the bus on the way there and back, I read Marya Hornbacher's Wasted. I ordered it weeks ago. It just got here. This is my second time reading it.

For lunch, I had leftover pasta. And varied throughout the day, broccoli, a cheese stick, homemade vegetable soup, a chicken breast, and a romaine salad with cheese, black beans, and dressing. For dinner I'm going to have tilapia. And something else. That almost puts me over on sodium for the day. I'm trying to stay under on everything. I can have 1380 calories. More today, because I worked out.

My name is Rachel. I am 22 years old, I am a grad student, and I have an eating disorder. When I'm not writing papers or working on research, I'm obsessing over food and exercise. To be most specific, I have ED-NOS. That's an eating disorder, not otherwise specified. I'm not anorexic or bulimic, I don't purge after I eat, and I'm not underweight. What I do is count. Everything. I have panic attacks if I don't know what is in my food, if I don't know where it came from, if I can't determine its exact nutritional content. I weigh all my food and plan my meals weeks ahead of time. If I deviate from this, I feel deep overwhelming guilt. I can't function. I feel deep and constant shame when I do eat, no matter what it is. I don't exercise as a purging behavior, but because it helps curb some of the guilt. And it helps push away the unbearable thoughts of "fatness." I realize that my body is healthy, that I am not overweight. But part of the problem is false cognition and misperception. I'm ashamed of my body, and to me, needing to eat reflects a permeating physical weakness. I have a lot of issues with personal weakness, and perceiving myself as weak, or worth less, because of my body, or my needs. This overlying theme permeates most realms of my life.

I used to weigh 190 pounds. That was a year ago.

I'm writing all this because I want to talk to someone about it and hopefully find other people who understand. As a disclaimer, I want to say now that I don't think this behavior is okay, and I encourage anyone with an eating disorder, no matter how more or less severe than mine, to seek treatment.

I myself am in treatment. My therapist, my clinician, and my friends and family are all aware of what I go through. I talk to people. Just like I'm talking now. I am not, however, in recovery. I am trying to modify my current behaviors to make them into something healthy. I'm trying to turn my obsessions and compulsions and anxiety and guilt into something good. I'm trying to find reasons to change. I've been like this for so long that I can't remember what it's like to not think about what I eat.

Worst case scenario, you'll find what I write to be horrible, or boring, or shallow. I hope not, because I have a very thin skin, and I'm only here to do something good. Either to make myself feel better, or to help someone else. Maybe I'm that naive.