Fear

I don't want to keep going to therapy. I realized that this afternoon. I'm afraid (illogically, delusionally) that if I get better, I'll gain weight. And I'll get so fat again. I terrified of even gaining back five pounds. But I've convinced myself that if this goes away, I'll turn back into the terrible obese monster I used to be. I am absolutely mortified.

I talked it all over with my boyfriend. He thinks it's ludicrous to stop going, or to avoid it. He only wants me to get better. My family would say the same thing. I also talked to one of my friends in the program. She agrees. I'm going to keep going. But I'm just so scared.

This is all I have. I feel like this is all I have. This is what keeps me grounded. I don't know how to go for a day without counting calories. Because mystically, that constant worry is what keeps me from getting fat. That's the only control I have.

And writing that out, I know how insanely delusional it sounds. I know it's crazy talk. It's not real. Normal people don't count calories, don't exercise obsessively, and they don't blow up. There's nothing magical about it. I just can't quite make myself believe it.