Regrets

My ex, Grant, texted me tonight. Out of the fucking blue. I haven't heard from him since October. When he found out I had a new boyfriend (Liam), he completely cut me out of his life. No explanation, not that I needed one. He was hurt.

Tonight, at midnight, he texts me "Well, I guess, fuck you 'cause you broke my heart."

And my first fucking thought is "Well, at least I'm thin enough now that he can't call me 'fat' behind my back. I've gotta lose more weight so that no one can make fun of me." Well color me insecure.

First time I've heard from him in months. Grant and I dated (sort of, whatever) like, three years ago, off and on. This is back when I was really fat. And he basically treated me like garbage, talked about me behind my back, fucked my roommate, that sort of shit. Our relationship fizzled and I started dating Michael. About two months into Michael's & my relationship, Grant gets shitty drunk at New Year's Eve party and confesses his love for me. I start crying and leave the room, and he leaves with a friend.

When Michael & I broke up, Grant couldn't have been happier. He was so sure this meant that he had an "in." He got it in his head that when he got back from overseas, I'd be there waiting for him. I never, never told him that. I never once gave him any indication that I'd be picking up our relationship once he came back. And then I found Liam. I agonized over telling Grant for almost a year, but all his friends agreed that I shouldn't upset him while he was in Afghanistan. Every time he called me, I'd light up like a little fucking kid, and every time we hung up, I'd just cry. He didn't come back until I'd already moved for grad school. I don't know how he finally found out. But anyway, it was too late. And he immediately stopped speaking to me.

I love Liam, I still do. I wouldn't trade our relationship (whatever it is, right now) for anything.

And I deeply, deeply care about Grant. I mean, my heart aches for this guy. But he was always so fucking immature, and no part of me every really believed that he could change. If I thought it were possible, I would've ran screaming back to him when Michael and I broke up last February. But no, Grant's never gonna change. He's always gonna be that immature hot guy who fucks around on girls and joins the Marines because he wants to shoot people.

But I do regret not giving him a second chance. I'm not saying that to feel justified, or...anything, really. It's just how I feel, and I'm just being honest. I feel like a piece of shit. And I do miss Grant, desperately, honestly. But I know in my heart of hearts that he'd just hurt me.

This is the very definition of a trigger, for me anyway. If I was hungry before, I'm not now.