I'm really horrified to weigh myself again. It's been a good...month, at least. I think. Last time, I was around 140-142. I haven't been eating a lot, if at all, most of the days, and I certainly look smaller. But there's just something about stepping on the scale.
The reason I haven't been eating isn't a good one. Let's just say that uppers are appetite suppressants, and I'm finally giving in to Phoenix culture. Or maybe I'm just getting back to my white trash roots. I can accept that. I'm afraid to go back home. I don't want to leave Becka, my apartment, or my appetite suppressants. I never feel like I'm getting enough done grad school-wise, and I never feel like I get enough sleep. I crashed for fourteen hours yesterday. Up for three days, crash for twenty-four hours. Repeat. I swim a lot; it's too hot here to wear anything but a bikini. Food makes me gag.
I can honestly say that I'd rather stay here all summer. I don't want to go back. Home just makes me depressed and there are no distractions. If I go back I'll just get sicker, and by the time I get back to Phoenix I'll be so miserable that I'll go on another week-long bender and come out on the other side looking all Black Snake Moan, just like last time. Haggard. I look haggard.
You're strong, intelligent, and you have that something going for you. We all have that dependence issue, I think. Well, at least I do. Every time I don't have foreign chemicals, something snaps. That, or they go back in their natural order. Either way, it's no good, is it? Though I'd much prefer to be Black Snake Moan, white-trash junkie than what I am right now. I'm a whale.
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel better, I've been in that depress mode before, i got out of my depression finally, i wish i could help you being on the other side where is dark seem like you will never get out, hopefully you wont have to depend on suppressants. any longer. :/
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