Hungry

From October 2010 through February of 2011, I liked being hungry. Especially at night. It was a signal that I'd done something right, and that I was safe. Then, over this past summer, I started seeing hunger as a negative trigger, meaning that my body was in starvation mode and that it was already too late and my muscles were being eaten away, or something like that. So, I started to panic whenever I was marginally hungry, but I'd also freak out whenever I felt full.

Right now I'm trying to find the middle ground. I had my second therapy session this morning. It was more of an intake assessment than anything. The doctor referred me to a specialized clinic for eating disorders and disordered eating. Yeah, there's a difference. Apparently I'm on the cusp between the two. I don't want to go to a clinic. Not to mention it'll probably cost even more. But more that I'm afraid of the label. I don't want to go to an EATING DISORDERS CLINIC. That's like putting a big red stamp on my forehead. The label makes me feel even weaker, like I've "really done it this time."

And right now, I'm hungry. I'm so, so very hungry.

I've started adding a lot of tea back into my diet, hoping the caffeine will push me off this plateau. I was 139.8 this morning, which might as well be 140.

On the plus side, I had a fantastic workout this evening. I hit arms, mostly biceps and chest. I feel self conscious about my arms because my triceps are overdeveloped compared to my biceps. My arms are actually considerable bigger than they out to be, proportionally, because I concentrate a lot on my shoulders and upper arms when lifting. I'm not going for a stereotypical hourglass shape, more like two triangles. I want my upper body to look like an inverted triangle. I've come to terms with the fact that after I'm done losing as much fat as I'd like, I'll more resemble a gymnast than a ballerina. I have a lot of muscle. Yes, I'm relatively flat-chested, another thing I'm coming to terms with after losing so much weight. I went from a 36DD to a 34A. My breasts are more pectoral muscle than breast (and I'm totally fine with that; running is comfortable now).

I also did a hard half hour of cardio on the elliptical (hard meaning that I didn't just pedal and fiddle with the television.) If I'm not sweating hard half way through, I'm doing something wrong. I got to add 300 calories onto my total for the day! Not that I'll get to eat them. New rule, no eating after 8pm. Hopefully I actually see some movement on the scale tomorrow!