I'm sorry I'm getting poetic and off topic, but there you go.
I was on the phone with the second clinic this morning, and I think that's the one I'll go with. It's intensive outpatient therapy, which equates to weekly individual therapy, group therapy, and nutritional counseling. I won't be able to to start until January, as I won't be around during Christmas break.
And I'm absolutely horrified that they'll take one look at me and think (just like I think) "She's too fat to have an eating disorder." So, I keep thinking that I'll have to lose at least ten more pounds by January 4th, so that I'm worthy of treatment. And I know those thoughts are FALSE and delusional.
I am worthy of help and health.
But I don't believe that I'm worthy of treatment because I haven't earned it. And that's a fucking sick way of thinking about it. Just the fact that I have thoughts like that should be enough to tell me that I'm sick and I need help. But I can't see it.
I read your back story and I can relate to you some what not exactly because in my case I have always been the thin one of my friends, i remember in highschool i was never aware of my body, I was fine i was the athletic one, the one who was small and cute. but it all happened after highschool when i went to college, the late night sleeps the having to eat junk food because i couldn't eat healthy all the time. but i was still fairly thin, i never went over 110lbs, until i started dating this one guy at age 20, he was so self-conscious about himself, that he made me that way too, i used to over think about myself because i use to thing wow if he sees himself this way, how can he see me, he is all muscular and good looking and i'm not, until one day i decided to ask and he answered well you could use the gym.. and that was enough for me to start worrying. one thing I do have to say about this post is, you are one step ahead from other people. first you admit u need help, second you are seeking for it, and third, you just want to be healthy not skinny. and that is GREAT! because that means you are willing to try and see yourself better and feel better, and there is nothing wrong with you trying to just be tone and healthy and look good, because that's what are bodies are for too feel good be healthy and happy. to love it. and for you to know that, that's enough. and I am sure you will get help because if you tell them how u feel and think they will immediately help you before you lose control and become an anorexic in the end. I completely have faith that you will be ok. :) best of luck with everything, i love your post btw. :)
ReplyDeletemuch love
xoxo
stay strong and healthy.