Friday, April 20, 2012

I've never been so ready to quit.

And someone pushed me back up the hill again. I go in for Intensive Outpatient Treatment on May 3rd, for at least a month. It's group therapy three hours a day, five days a week, not counting the extra two hours I'll spend every week with a nutritionist and personal therapist. I can admit that at this moment, today, I have absolutely no desire to go. I'm only going because my therapist scared me into it, and because Liam is twisting my arm. He says if I don't get help, he'll never speak to me again. That's a pretty solid threat, seeing as I'm in love with him. 

I don't want to go. At all. Whatsoever. I don't want to get better. I'm still too fat for recovery. I have nothing to recover from yet. I'm not there. I still weigh over 135 pounds. I'm not there yet. I'm not ready for this. I don't want this now. 

And I can honestly say that I've never been this depressed in my life. It's a weird feeling, hopelessness. This is relatively new for me, though from a clinical standpoint, I'd say this is probably my third major depressive episode about a year and a half. I've never been so ready to quit. Just let go. I feel worse every time I wake up and realize that I woke up and all I have left to look forward to is waking up. I know Liam loves me, but I don't believe it. I don't believe he'll stay with me throughout all this. I believe I'll go to therapy and get "better," and once I'm "better," he'll finally feel like it's okay to leave. And then I'll relapse. And I'll have nowhere left to go. And I can't tell him any of that because it sounds like blackmail. "Stay with me or I'll starve myself to death." And that's not why I want him to stay. 

That's the sort of tragic inevitability of it all, and I feel like I've started to accept it, as melodramatic as it sounds. He'll leave. Everyone will leave. And then it will just be me. And then no one. 
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2 comments:

  1. AnonymousApril 20, 2012 at 9:44 AM

    I empathize. It's a hellish sort of existence, isn't it?

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  2. feiApril 20, 2012 at 10:03 AM

    "He says if I don't get help, he'll never speak to me again."

    I'm pretty sure that's called emotional blackmailing, and also a form of manipulation. Wouldn't the proper thing to do is tell the person who you *supposedly* care about that you will be there to support them through whatever outcome? You are clearly not incompetent, but in a way he's implying that your decisions in life are irrelevant compared to his opinion of how you should live your life.

    He may be older and more knowledgeable about certain things in life, but that does not mean he has the right to use your affections for him in that manner. It's actually quite immature. Whatever happened to reasoning with someone as an adult, unless of course he doesn't see you as one.

    Apologies if this offends, but I personally believe that there are better ways of encouraging someone to recover that doesn't add to their existing psychological neuroses.

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